Nov 16, 2012

Breaking Up? Not So Hard To Do

This has been floating on the Book of Faces @ the inter-tube and is worthy of a share, wethinks:

Dear Red States,

So you want to secede, do you?  We'll beat you to that punch.

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics (like "legitimate rape") so we have decided to leave you.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country, the Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research.

You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin. We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 % of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama. And Louisiana.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.

You now get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 % lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro choice and anti-war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no convincing purpose.

We wish you success in Afghanistan and possibly Iran as well, but we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90 % of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy (Yale, Harvard, etc.) and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Berkeley, U of Chicago, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs; 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists; Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws; 44% say that evolution is only a theory; 53% claim that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazies believe that you have higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good California and Oregon weed, too. You can have the junk they grow in Mexico.


Citizen of the Enlightened States of American


Anonymous said...

Actually you should designate that there should be NYS and then the new state of New Amsterdam upstate so we can be freed from the clutches of all of the criminals and perverts of downstate of which the majority of the legislature is composed of.
Just continue the straight line dividing NYS & PA right across to Conn.

Raining Iguanas said...

Awesomeness let loose with a key board, wow!