Jul 11, 2007
It seems like this past weekend was peak annoyance season from our favorite walking zombies here in the Capital Region. I betcha I must have seen them in five different neighborhoods. They kind of remind me of scenes from Night of the Living Dead, the way they march down the street looking for prey.
As a public service to my readers, I hereby submit ten suggestions on the best means of handling a visting Jehovah's Witness the next time one or more of them rings your doorbell on a Sunday morning:
1) Answer it naked. If able; be aroused
2) Be smoking a joint
3) Speak in tongues
4) Ask if they've run across any hot chicks in the neighborhood who look like they could use a little 'wake up call'
5) Ask if they'd like to come in and watch some gay porn
6) Tell them you used to be a Witness yourself, but you're "doing much better now"
7) Tell them that the last two Witnesses that were here ended up staying for a few weeks
8) Offer $10 for a BJ
9) Offer an "I'll buy if you fly" on a cold six pack of Budweisers
10) Ask how they feel about the Bible passages that seem to encourage incest and bestiality.
There you go--this should take care of your problem. Let me know how you make out.