Mar 18, 2012

Ask Joe Bruno's Ghost - March 18

Dear Jose,

What do you think Mitt Romney's chances are against Obama?
- DJ Homie J

Dear Homero,

Who the hell is Mitt Romney? And I thought the Army SEALs shot Obama in the heart when they found him in a Nepal whorehouse then dumped him into the North Sea from a cruise ship? Or was that Whitey Bulger?

Dear Joe's Ghost,

A question of proper etiquette that you might be able to answer:

If a stranger buys me a drink in a bar, am I obligated to buy the next round? What if I am in a rush and need to leave; do I just buy one for this person on the way out?

- Torn

Dear Torn,

Ah yes: one of the greatest questions ever received here, and one of the most asked questions in all of the social sphere. Let me tell you how I handle this...

Actually, when I think about it, I haven't bought my own drink in 50 years. There's always some ass-kisser standing by wanting to get into my ear and figuring the best way to do that is to saddle up next to me at the rail while I thank him for the hospitality. But I don't give them the chance. I just give the old nod/wink and then turn away and get back to BS'ing with whoever I'm there to BS with in the first place.

The only advice I can give to you is this: if it is a hot dame that's pushing the freebie at you, then you sure as hell better stick around and get the next round going into her direction -- and you'd better make it a double while you're at it. But if it's just some ass clown, then ignore him for the rest of the night.

Ghost Man,

What is your biggest fear? Is it the thought of dying in prison?

- Lady J

Lady J,

Now how can I die in prison if I'm not going to prison? Or did you mean the possibility of my dropping dead if I were visiting someone else in prison? Now what do you think the odds of that happening are? What a dumb thing to ask. I'm really disappointed here; I thought we could get on a good roll starting with the prior question and you had to come along and fuck it up.

But since you asked, I'll tell you the one thing that's always scared the hell out of me. It's that freaking giant mutt sitting on top of the warehouse over in the North End. I mean, have you ever seen how big he is? He doesn't look that big from the road, but go stand right underneath him sometime and tell me what you think. In my nightmares, I see him jumping off that roof, swimming across the Hudson in about a minute flat and then running up here to the ranch and devouring the horses.

That's why I found $50K in the budget one year; to buy some cables to keep him tied-down. Guess what? He hasn't escaped since then, has he now?

Dear Senator,

Most distinguished men in your position retire to the lecture circuit for some easy coin. Why not you, Joey B?

- Hank the Elevator Operator

Dear Operator,

Hammerin' Hank! How the hell are you doing, you dirty old SOB? The last time I heard your name mentioned, it was someone saying you were pissing icicles or shitting marbles or something crazy like that. Frankly, I'm shocked to hear you're even alive. Maybe there's something to be said for what we used to call your 'Water Works Pub' lifestyle after all, huh? You know what I'm talking about ...

Now, what was the question you asked me?

Mr Bruno,

What kind of job do you think your old gal Marcia White is doing at SPAC?

- Saratoga Sal

Mr Sal,

I hear she's doing a great job taking care of homeless dogs and cats and other furry hair balls at the ASPCS or whatever letters they use at that joint. I guess they also prevent cruelty, too? I like animals, you know (except for that big dog on the roof again). Tell her I miss her.

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